Hello everybody! How are you today? I hope you are fine.
Today I want to talk to you about everything (I don't mean anything specific). I don't even know what I am about to write, to be honest. I just want to talk to you.
I've been having very strange time. I am both sad and happy at the same time. I laugh a lot, yet it hurts inside. I am happy a lot, but I am also depressed and anxious. Partially, it is because I broke up with my boyfriend. He was (and maybe still is) a big part of my life and it's hard to exist without him. I miss the comfort of having someone to love me and I also miss someone to love. But at the same time, I'm glad it's over because I want to move on and I want to live. I want to learn how to be myself and how to love/accept myself. I want to find some friends. I want to be happy.
You know, it wasn't me when I was with him (my boyfriend). I wasn't myself. I was too ashamed to be myself, because I knew he wouldn't like me the way I am. And this is what I want to change. I want to be strong and brave enough to be myself. I don't want to feel deeply embarassed infront of everyone. I don't want to be anxious when I eat or even talk. This is not the way I want to be. I think now I am strong enough to change my life. I think I can handle the 'haters'. And even if I can't, I can still take pills.
This is another thing I want to talk about. My illness. It's not that bad as it was in 2013/14 but it's still there. When I started the first year of high school, my anxiety and depression affected my life a lot (including my blog). I used to stay at home and gossip a lot. I would be hateful even though I did not have a reason. I would act like a weirdo or like a loner. My classmates wouldn't get it(who would?). That's why I didn't really make any friends. My mind was a mess and every single thought was negative. My mind set up was so bad. I was emotionally unstable. And I am sorry. I wish I could tell this to my classmates, I wish I was strong enough at the time. But I wasn't. And life goes on. I need to change a lot of things. I am trying to change the way I think. I don't want to be concerned only on bad things. I know I can change it. And I want this blog to help me. We can help each other.
That's all for today, I hope I didn't bored you to death.
'See' you soon!